when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
