It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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