Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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