i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
