i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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