stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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