I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
