Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize