Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize