You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
