Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
