all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize