I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
