i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
