your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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