dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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