My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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