batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
