I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
