i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
