i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
