I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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