he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I came so hard my ears popped.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
