apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
