He uses pillows to masturbate.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
