My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
