I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
sarcasm needs its own font
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
