i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
