Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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