your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
When are your genitals available?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
