He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
