i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
