I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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