he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize