Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize