Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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