Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
