Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
