careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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