Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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