Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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