I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I need moral support for this bender
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
