i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
