Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
