It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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