Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
