well I can't set my house on fire every night
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
