I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize