Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
