Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Randomize