I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
