the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
