also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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