K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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