When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
