Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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