I'm going to jail i love you
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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