Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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