my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize