gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
