someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
