My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
