I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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