just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
