I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Randomize
